The trip up

If there was a way to describe Tuesday, it would be described as the trip up. The day didn't start on a high note. After managing about 3 hours of sleep, i was in no position to think clearly. I still had no plan. I still didn't know what it was i was going to do. But i knew that i wouldn't want to regret any decisions that i made while i was half awake.
Woke up pretty early, wanted to finish watching the show that Darling recommended to me. Big Fish. My reviews of the show later. =) Anyway, almost made it to the end before meeting Darling for breaky. But when i saw him, my mind was thrown into confusion and my heart was in turmoil. Was i ready and willing to really give this all up? The little voice in my head was asking, can i just not be bothered and be selfish? But the other voice echoed to me that growing up and being matured is not just about taking the easy way out. But to deal with the tough things.
So, we sat there having breaky and i asked if our trip to Perth was confirmed. He saw right through me i think. He asked if i was having second thoughts about going. I guess people can really read me like an open book. Anyway, we didn't talk much during breaky. I really didn't have any appetite. Just ate a little, smoked my ciggie and drank my tea. Then after we walked back to the car, he asked me what i wanted to do. Or where i wanted to go. I said i wanted to go to his place.
I saw a moment of hesitation in his eyes. And it confused me. Coz he had mentioned previously twice that he wanted to invite me to his place. And yet when i finally brought it up, it seemed to be a tough decision for him. I guess when i asked him that, i can compare it to the feeling of being told i only had a month to live and i wanted to do everything with him before i moved on. I wanted us to have a whole collection of beautiful memories.
When we got to his place, it seemed that he had loosened up a bit and was a little more relaxed. He was all over the house, showing me his coin collection, his first day covers, his notes collections, his toy cars. He wanted to show me his toy pictures. For an instance, i saw the little boy in him run out. And if he was a child, he must have been a very kind and sharing little boy. Coz he seemed like he wanted to share the bits and pieces of his life with me. I made a statement when he couldn't find some pictures like, eh, you think next time no chance to show me meh? Or something to that effect. At that point of time, the thought running through my head was, will there be a next time or is this going to be the last?
Anyway, he had to go off to work after that. And my meeting had gotten cancelled once again, and so i decided that i should go home and finish watching the Big Fish movie coz there was still 25mins more to the ending. And i figured i could sneak a 15 min nap before heading out. But didn't in the end. I finished the show, and he called, and we talked. And talked. And talked. And i shared with him how i felt in the morning. I knew it would hurt him even if i didn't really end things with him. I knew that it wasn't fair to him. That maybe although i said i didn't mind being with him, there was a bit of me that was afraid that at the end of the day, it would not be him and his family that got hurt. That it would be me who got hurt with no one to turn to. But earlier on when he called, he shared a really great piece of news with me. And i figured the great news would cushion whatever i wanted to share with him. I told him the emotions that i went through and the thoughts that ran through my head. But i told him that ultimately, i really do love him.
Anyway, we chatted till he had to meet someone, and i asked if he would call after work. Was pretty tired actually, but didn't dare to fall asleep coz i knew if i slept, i might miss his call. So, i hung in there and he called and we chatted for another 10minutes before he hung up when he got home. I didn't expect to see him the rest of the evening.
Anyway, Dad came home, he looked really troubled, so went with daddy for kopi while Daddy ate dinner. We talked about really really serious stuff and i was dreading it more and more as the conversation progressed. Where in the world am i going to find 200k if i want things to work out as planned? Is it possible? Hmmm.. What can i do that is legal and still make 200k? Toughie...
Anyway, the serious conversation took longer then expected and i got back home late, changed and rush out to meet TG for dinner. Yup. TG was back in town after 3 odd months of us missing each other each time he was back, or work for him, or me, or training for me etc. We met up at our usual Jap place. It was a nice meeting coz we haven't seen each other in ages. Plus, it satisfied my craving for jap food. Plus, we had decent conversation. But i guess what was really really nice was that he said he was proud of me coz he feels that i've matured in the last couple of years. And especially so this year. That he feels like i've grown up a lot in the last couple of months.
After meeting him, i went back to meet up with Darling. It was obviously past his bedtime and he looked really tired. And my heart really went out to him. But i know he hung in there coz he wanted to go for the appt with me and help me close the case. =) I really thank GOD for bringing Darling to my life. We hung out for a short while after the appt ended, and i could feel that he was getting more and more tired. Finally we headed back home.
Today just went from not so good to an extremely fantastic day. Our(Darling and I) conversation in the afternoon really made me feel a lot better. Made me feel a little more confident of our relationship. And there was dinner with TG. The fact that we didn't meet very often, that we really lived in two different worlds, but we would always find common topics to chat about and dinner conversations are never dull. Then back home to close a case. And getting to see Darling again when i thought we wouldn't meet tonight. So.. on a scale of 1-10, i would say today was close to an 8.

Dear GOD, thank you for bringing Darling to my life. For showing me what love really is. For giving me another Guardian angel who showers me with lots of love and attention. Who is sensitive to my needs, my thoughts and my feelings. Lord, i thank you for making me feel like i'm important all over again. And for letting me feel more and more each day that i still have many things i have not accomplished, that i want to do more each day, that you have sent someone to teach me and tell me that i can accomplish great things and that i am worth more then i have ever felt i was worth. Thank you GOD. But please please Lord, let me enjoy what you have given me for long. Please make things between us work out and not take him away from me. Lord, thanks for bring him to my life to show me what is happiness. To wipe my tears away and draw a smile on my face again. Something that even i have missed while looking in the mirror. And of late, i find myself grinning to myself when i think of him. Lord, i promise to be good if you'll just allow him to stay in my life. In Jesus name i pray, Amen.

Great day. Sleepy with joy! =) Nitez