Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Questions and feelings that i have no answers to

For a while now, i have been living a fairy tale. Maybe the fact that i plunged head in despite my head sending me really loud warning bells would have been an indication of things to come. Honestly, i must start listening to my head rather then my silly heart which constantly just hopes to find love.
I guess i don't blame Darling for all that has happened. He has been pretty up front with me right from the start. He did mention that he was a married man. But i should have been more aware of the signs. He said things between him and his wife weren't all that fantastic. That there was even that lack of intimacy that many couples face after a certain number of years in marriage. And i took everything at face value, did not bother to question further and after a while, felt myself falling in love with him. While the relationship took sometime to blossom because we were both hesitant, i think eventually, i was the one that made it happened. I could have stopped it right from the start. I could have taken a step back and said, no! You're married. And it isn't right. I could have. But no point crying over spilt milk. After all what's done cannot be undone right?
And so, i fell in love, gave my heart to him. But in the last month especially, maybe also because of the amount of time spent together, i have come to realize that actually in his heart, his wife holds a great amount of significance and importance. That it would seem like when crunch time comes, there will be not a shadow of doubt who he will give up to placate the other party. I suppose it's also because we've been having more in depth conversation of late and the things i am hearing from him are the same. That if his wife finds out, he will have to see me less, he will try to find a way to see me, he will try to find some way to spend some time with me or we'll work things out from there.
And being me, the person who thinks 10 million steps ahead, i have also asked him, what happens if one day she decides to retire, resgin or for that matter, just accompany him for all his appointments, meetings etc. Then how do we see each other let alone spend time with each other? After all, the times we have now are borrowed time and time on the premise that she does not want to accompany him on a given evening.
And then i have the thing that is probably bugging me the most. Or maybe the thing that is hurting me. And that would be, if he was already so sure that he would never leave his wife for me, or that if one day his wife finds out, that his primary goal would be to placate her and make sure she stays by his side still, then why start out with me? Why tell me you'll hold my hand forever? Why tell me you'll always love me? Why all these grand promises and promises that make it sound like i'm important? When probably, if you had to make a choice right now, without a moment's hesitation, you'll give me up in the blink of an eye?
I guess that makes me sad. But i am in a dilemma. Coz some time back, i posted about my millionaire theory. If you have never been a millionaire, you can only hope to be one some day. But you will not feel that sense of loss, pain that someone else who has been once a millionaire and became a beggar feels. Just like, if i choose to walk away today, i will still feel the pain and loss. I must admit that the times we've had together have been beautiful. I have my own ideas of love. I believe that love is being there for the person in good times and in bad. And love is wanting to see your loved one through whatever difficulty. And love isn't meant to be pain causing to my loved one. Sure love has its ups and downs as well. But anyone can join you in the ride up. It's the ride down that determines who your close friends or loved ones are.
Today, something else happened. I know it's probably not within his control. But i suppose if E+R=O, then from his actions, i know without a doubt that just how important she is and means to him. It was suppose to be our time out tonight. In fact, i'm sorta glad i asked to meet him for a while last night. Coz if not, then it would be many days of not meeting. But i suppose, it could be a blessing in disguise too. To be able to take a step back. Then out of the blue, he tells me he has to meet someone else tonight. And i guess it was a little iffy. Coz generally, he would bring me along or meet up with the person first and squeeze in sometime to meet me after. And then he told me that he couldn't meet me tonight. Which began to sound weird. I figured either the meet up was a lie, that it was actually his wife who needed him to help her get something done, or the wife wanted to go with him. And true enough, later on in the afternoon, he texted to say that his wife was going together with him. I guess i was disappointed. Coz all he told me was these were unforseen circumstances. But i suppose, in his relationship with the wife, he must love her a lot to let her make the decisions and for him to not want to stand up to her. But if he loves her so much, then why start anything with me? Hmmmm
Of late, i'm constantly asking myself about my position and purpose in the greater scheme of things. Of where and what am i doing in this relationship, especially when things between him and his wife seem to be so fantastic, they are both madly in love, can't do without each other. Then instead of asking him what the f**k is he doing, i think i need to pose myself the exact same question. Just what the f**k am i doing?
Funny how, in the short time i've known and been with him, i already feel like i can't live without him. It's horrid i know. And i really need to learn to be a little less intense. I suppose with all things, with time, i can slowly learn to let go and move on. But i seriously wonder how come i seem to be attracting all the most curious of characters? Is there really something inherently wrong with me? Am i just a magnet for troubled relationships? Sighz.

This song is for you Darling!

No comments: