Thursday, July 03, 2008

Wacky Wednesday

What a weird an Wacky Wednesday it has been. Woke up, went to meet Darling. Then we go have breakfast together, then go bank drop cheque before heading back to rest a while. But didn't really get any rest. Then went to meet two of his friends. Then he had to go work liaoz. I also headed to work. Then supposed to meet Celine in town for coffee. Reached office at about 2ish, then went post office to pay for my long overdue road tax. It was cheaper then what the paper quoted. So was mighty happy that i paid less. =) Save some money.
Then after that, i went up to office to print some stuff, then submit some stuff. Talked to Genna for a while about GI stuff, and then realize i was going to be late to meet Celine. Then Celine said she had to rush for work after that and say why not we meet next week instead. So i also don't mind, since i still had things in office to do.
My hp beeped after a while, then i tot Celine changed her mind. But it was Guardian who sms me ask if i was in ofc. So i replied him and we met up for a while. Since after all, i was supposed to have appt, then think no harm meeting him up for coffee. We went to Kallang for coffee and had a long chat. I think he is so over me. And i think i am as well. But i feel that we still care about each other as friends. Ok. Maybe very important friends. Like best friends. But i know that there is nothing going on between us. As in for a long time now we've not crossed the boundaries of friendship. But he said his girlfriend was upset about my presence in his life. Eh.. like what presence. We sms each other like once every couple of months and sometimes when we're busy, we forget even. So what is there to be jealous about?
Anyway, after that it started to drizzle. So he sent me back home. We did more talking along the way. And i guess for a while, i sorta missed us. Not so much the fact the love we used to have for each other. But more the comfort of being around each other. I don't doubt the fact that at some point of time, we did love each other. But i think we're past that. The love has evolved to that of really great friends or even maybe like family. And anyway, he got nothing that he wants from me, he won't call me or sms me one. So i figured he might want something from me. But he didn't say when he dropped me off. Just said that we'll always be the best of friends no matter what happens.
Was supposed to meet Darling after that for dinner. Felt that i really wanted to be honest with him and also to let him know that there is nothing going on between Guardian and i anymore. That we're just friends. But like it made Darling a little sad. And that made me sad too. I guess sometimes, being honest doesn't quite pay. We didn't fight or anything. But could feel that he was quite affected. And i really didn't know how to console him. Then when we were about to head home, Guardian smsed me with what he wanted.
I guess that's the bad part about knowing a person too well. He said he wanted me to talk to his girlfriend and explain to her that there is nothing going on between us. It affected me a little. I guess i expected him to ask a favour from me. But i was upset that each time i have to be right. That he constantly gets me to help him out in each relationship. Hasn't he already figured out by now that any relationship takes work and that it has to come from him and not his ex. What a joke! Anyway, i felt a little irritated also coz the last time also like that. And each time, the new girlfriend just wants reassurance from me that he will not cheat on them. How the hell am i supposed to give them the reassurance when in our whole relationship i also never expect that he doesn't cheat on me?
Then they will try to find out if i still love him and care for him. And overnight they expect us to erase 12 years worth of memories and feelings. I cannot lor. I was pretty upfront with Darling last night. I told him i would be lying if i said i didn't feel anything for Guardian. I still care lots for him. Just that i am tired of the farce of a relationship that we are having. I am tired of him constantly changing his mind etc. So, why give myself this sort of headache and heartache. But i cannot look anyone in the eye and say without a shred of doubt that i no longer feel any thing for him. I have always been someone that values relationships and friendships a lot. So how can i say that? It would be a lie. Anyway, i know that i might have hurt Darling in the process. But i really don't know how to wipe 12 years of relationship off overnight. I probably need some time.
But i am in a dilemma. I also dun want Darling to be upset. I really really want him to be happy. I feel that he has put in so much effort to make me happy and the least i could do is do the same for him. Darling once asked me will i leave him and go back to my ex. But yesterday when i met Guardian then i realize that the answer is no. Coz when i see Guardian, i only see my failings and lots of disappointment. I care yes, but the disappointments far outweigh the love of any sort. As for Darling, i also feel that there is no future. But even in a realtionship that has no future, i feel safer and more secure with Darling. I guess the difference is between knowing someone will definitely leave you and fearing that the person might leave you. And that's the key difference between Guardian and Darling. Last night Darling said my life quite tough. =) Maybe ba. Only because i am constantly in love with the wrong guy. Once in a while, i think maybe also because of all the disappointments and failings, i have stopped believing that one day i will find someone who will truly love me and what to be with me. I have stopped believing that maybe one day some guy will really treasure me. Or that i might be good enough for the guy to value me. So, truth is, whatever happens happens.

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