It's been a long while since i've felt this way. I guess due to the fact that i've stayed away from this very transient feeling for a while now. I suppose when all is said and done, then i have shit loads of baggage that have not been off loaded.
Here's an interesting story i heard while watching tele the other day.
There once was 2 monks. One younger, one older. Both took a vow of celibacy. And in their monastery, they were taught that they could not interact with the opposite sex. One day, while walking by a river on their way to their destination, they met a young and beautiful lady. The lady wanted to cross the river but did not want to get herself wet. Thus, the old monk piggy-backed her across the river. He let her down on the other side of the river and the young monk and the old monk carried on their journey. After a considerable distance, the old monk asked the young monk what was on his mind as he seemed bothered. The young monk then said to the old monk, wasn't it in our teachings that we must not have physical contact with the opposite sex? Why did you carry the beautiful lady across the river? The old monk then said to the young monk, i put the lady down at the older side of the river. Why are you still carrying her?
Basically this story told, in chinese would give it greater meaning. In essence, the chinese words would be 'fang4 xia4' meaning put down. And i guess the story struck me as i feel that although i might have moved out of my relationship with Guardian physically, there were lots of things that i have not 'fang4 xia4'. Maybe the english idiom once bitten twice shy summarizes my feelings. My relationship with Guardian ended long long ago. Long before i even decided to end things last Novemeber. I think it ended that year on my 21st birthday. But for reasons only known to myself, i hung on. Maybe because i was afraid of being lonely. Maybe because i was too used to him being around. Maybe because he was my one and only boyfriend then and i didn't have the courage or didn't know any better to walk out and seek greener pastures.
When i did seek out greener pastures, he still stayed on in my heart. And each encounter with a new guy only made me feel worse about myself. It brought my self esteem crashing to the pits. It made me doubt myself and distrust myself and the cycle repeated itself over and over again until 8 years on, it had become the norm and i had also become the person i am today.
In my earlier post, i asked what is love? I guess at the back of my mind, i do have some feelings about love. I suppose i've always thought i would fall in love, my partner would also love me, and we would only have eyes for each other. We would eventually get married, have children, start our own family and love each other till the day we die. Idealistic? Maybe. But maybe, just maybe i've never quite believed in all of it. My psychiatrist would say that it was my parents fault as they spent much time fighting and arguing while i was growing up. And that left a huge imprint on my later years on how i viewed love and relationships. But i don't have a psychiatrist. So it could merely be that over the years, the accumulation of hurt and disappointments i had with Guardian had shaped me to be who i am today. Someone that doesn't quite believe that love is about giving. Sure, i know myself well enough to know that when i love, i can give my whole heart to that one person. But, here's the thing. Everything and everywhere i turn, i read love stories about love being giving. Love being selfless. Love being magical. Love being perfect. Love love love. So does that mean, if i am selfish in love, then that is not love? I so very much want to be selfish each time i'm dating someone and want to be his one and only. Want to be the only person he says i love you to. Want to be the person that occupies that special place in his head and heart. Want to walk down the road called life holding his hand and him holding mine. Want to hug him to sleep. Want to kiss him passionately. Want to share every little thing with him big or small. Want to be the only one he makes love to. Want to be the only want who satisfies him. Want him to be hungry for me and me only.
I have so many things that i want. But in wanting all these, i become selfish. And love is selfless. Not selfish. So does it mean i don't love the person? Does that mean that there is no true love between us?
I so very much want to look into his eyes and know that he adores me and cares and loves me. Look into his eyes, reach into his soul and know that he would give up the world for me. Hold his hand and know that he will walk on with me even when i'm old and sick. Know that when he hugs and kiss me, i am the only one in his heart and he does so even when i have nothing left to give him. And when i look into his eyes and realize that i'm not the only one, i'm hurt. Is that normal?
And yet i enjoy every minute that we have together. Yet i look forward to seeing him everyday. Every night, i linger a little while longer coz i can't bear to part with him and say our goodbyes. I wish i didn't have to. Every time this thought creeps into my head, i can rationalize it away. After all, i'm an expert at this. 12 years of rationalizing before i walked away. But, the question is this, can i keep rationalizing it away. And when i get upset one day coz i cannot rationalize it any longer, will i turn selfish and will things turn ugly? I truly appreciate all the things that he's done for me till date. I guess he has shown me nothing but patience and understanding in the last couple of months. He has gone out of his way to make me feel happy, to protect me, to make me feel loved through his actions and words. I know i don't want to put him in a spot. Which is why i do my best to be as understanding as possible. But even i don't trust myself. I really don't. I can't even tell you when i would one day want him to be mine and mine alone. And when i know that it is not possible, would love once again be the bitterest pill of all? Would i sit and weep and cry my eyes out, my lungs sore, my nose bruised and no one would answer my call? I don't know. Confused.....