The rules of the game were defined early on. There was no cheating or lying of sorts. The cards were laid out on the table and flipped face up. If i could liken it to a game of hold'em then i saw the turn. And there was only the river left. And i was behind. I knew it. I understood. That statistically, i should have folded. There was no reason why i would have called that hand. Or even pushed all in. That if i was a half decent player, i would have, i should have folded. And yet, i checked, there was a raise, and i called. Only the river could save me. Only that very minute percentage. Only that last glimmer of hope. And yet i called.
I suppose i understood what was there and what wasn't. I suppose i knew what i could have and what i couldn't. But saying that i understood and not feeling that i understood is a different story altogether. Feeling that i understood was a lot tougher then saying that i did. Coz in reality, if i understood the stakes involved, i would have folded. And yet i didn't.
We brought this issue up some time back. Something similar happened once. And we talked about it. We talked about how, when push comes to shove, i might have to walk down that road alone. That in the middle of the night, when i couldn't sleep i couldn't call that one person who's voice would soothe me to sleep. That when i was feeling down and blue, i couldn't pick up the phone and ask to see that one face that would make things seem alright once again. That if i was sick and in pain, i couldn't let the person know. And feeling a little sad, i would add, if i was dying, i couldn't see that face one last time. That i would always have to wait patiently till the next opportunity presented itself. That i play this waiting game. I wait till dawn comes, till the sun is up in the sky, before i get to see that face. Before i get to hear that voice. I said once that i didn't like to climb high. That i didn't want to be brought up to the skies, only to be let back down. Coz the higher up you are, the harder the fall.
The shadow. That's what i feel at times. How often do you notice your shadow. Do you realize that your shadow disappears when the sun sets? That whether your shadow is there or not, it doesn't affect your day? On a cloudy day, where the sun doesn't burst through the clouds, whould you realize that your shadow is missing?
It's not like my problem goes away after hearing your voice, or seeing your face. It's not like the problem will magically disappear. It's not. If i was on my own, single, my problem would still be there. Mine to settle on my own. Mine to share or not share with anyone. So i suppose i'm making a mountain out of a molehill. I could rationalize it all away. But i can't help but feel even more alone this evening. It's funny really. I told you i understood. But it didn't hurt any less. Because it's always easiest to share joy and happiness with people. But it's a lot tougher to open up and share the hurt and pain. And somehow, tonight made me feel that hurt and pain, problems, are best kept deep in the recesses of one's heart and mind.
I can't help feeling sad. I can't help feeling a little dejected. But i can pretend once again when the sun comes up in the morning, that it didn't bug me one single bit. That all is fine and dandy. I can. I'm an expert and rationalizing it all away and pretending all is fine. But the truth is, i don't want to. That on one hand, you ask for me to take off that mask i wear, and on the other, turn a blind eye when i remove the mask.
But as the night wore on, as i was bombarded with a different set of problems and considerations, i felt a little better somehow. Coz end of the day, i know i have to fight my own battles. That even if you were around to hold my hand, i would still have to walk forward on my own eventually. Coz in our lifetime, many people walk in and out of our lives. Many people would leave footprints in our lives. Many people might walk a distance together along that same road called life. But how often, do you meet a person who would walk to the end of the road, head the same direction all the way? And i guess what was most important was that we shared a certain joy and we shared beautiful memories. That when we get to the end of the long journey, we look back fondly at the people that have walked into our lives, walked out of lives and made this journey called life a little more pleasant, a little more enjoyable and at times, a little more bearable.